Legerdemain and quails eggs in Pall Mall

The First Time I Soiled My Trousers

- A Literary Fragment

by

Jeremy Selman-Troytt

O'Rourke & LeFevre

London
MDCCCXCII

PART ONE

AN UNEASY FEELING

Chapter One

A Gut Reaction

In which the author suffers a discombobulation

In order for the reader to appreciate fully the circumstances in which I first soiled my trousers it will be necessary for me describe them, and also the various contributory factors which culminated in the involuntary evacuation of my bowels in a public arena, in some detail. I must therefore crave the reader's indulgence in allowing me to begin my account precisely thirteen-and-one-half minutes before the actual event.

I had been dining with some old acquaintances who chanced to be in London prior to travelling north for the 'Glorious Twelfth'. We had made a good repast at my club in Pall Mall, where my friend Jefferson Lemurre had distinguished himself by consuming nineteen quails' eggs and an entire piglet.

Whilst the others had eaten well but not lavishly I had consumed but a fraction of my normal intake. My limited appetite had little to do with the quality of the fare (which was excellent) nor the conversation of my companions (which was sparkling) but was connected to an inexplicable uneasiness that I was experiencing in the pit of my stomach. For reasons which are now beyond my comprehension I consciously forced these considerations aside in favour of observing the physical condition of those individuals assembled.

Guscott, often an enigma, was substantially larger than only a week previously and Quadrant had a facial swelling I did not like. It commenced about one inch to the left of his mouth and continued in a straight line, almost as a band, to the back of his neck. I calculated its protrusion at one-and-a-half inches and its width at two. He had covered it completely with a mustard plaster ostensibly to alleviate the condition through the drawing effect of a poultice but also, I am sure, to disguise it from casual view.

In this I believe he failed, as the weight of the plaster served to unbalance his head and send his eye-line on a tilt that could be noticed by all present - however, no one was sufficiently ill-mannered as to stare or make mention of this fault.

Lenoir, who was always accompanied by his personal physician, had retired for a fresh dressing a short time before so we were none of us discomposed by his presence. Indeed we welcomed him back with a joviality that was no less warm for being forced.

Cartwright appeared to any casual observer as his usual light-hearted self, but a closer examination revealed some seepage which he was at pains to conceal by distracting the attention of onlookers with a stream of verbal wizardry and demonstrations of legerdemain which filled us with wonder. Which of us would be so heartless as to wish him ill having once seen the cutlery disappear? Certainly not I who was filled with nothing but admiration for his ability to speak non-stop.

This is a talent which I have never possessed and of which I have often felt the lack; indeed, upon occasion I have passed through periods of such appalling reticence that I have had to instruct my butler to speak in my behalf. How often have I longed, during such involuntary silences, to be the master of such verbal dexterity as that with which Cartwright dazzled us for five hours together?

But I anticipate. The time by my pocket watch was exactly 20:18 when Hemmings suggested that we take a break between courses in order to allow Mainwaring to entertain us by blowing sharply and forcefully through ...

... as with a gushing sensation accompanied by a sudden rush of heat to the rim of the anus I felt my trousers filling with a hideous and uneasy cargo that was more liquid than solid. An instinctive glance at my time-piece showed that it wanted thirty seconds of 20:32, a fact I felt compelled to record in case it should prove useful. I would have preferred to make a written notation but having no paper to hand I was forced instead to memorise the time by chanting the numbers aloud several times in rapid succession. With these priorities completed I felt more able to direct my attention to my circumstances.

No words can describe the disgust that seized me at this instant, accompanied as it was by the realisation that my undergarments were now united with my buttocks by virtue of the sticky ordure which conjoined them. I began to shudder and pulsate and would have fainted altogether had I not been conscious of the puzzled stares of those around me, and frightened lest they should rush to loosen my clothing upon seeing me swoon; indeed, it was my concern for the good opinion of my companions that now overshadowed my squelching discomfiture and became my principle consideration. However, here I must halt my narrative.

In the foregoing pages I have done my best to summarise the practical circumstances of this soiling with candour but also with the brevity necessary to any written account which intends to inform but not to tire. Accordingly, I have decided to halt my narrative at the actual point of the soiling. I intend dealing with all ancillary subjects - such as the extent of my immediate embarrassment and my fear lest the revolting aromas arising from my breeches should become apparent to my friends before I was able to effect an escape from the close confines of the room - in a companion work to be published in due course. Enquiries regarding this work should be directed to my publishers or their agents.